The Terror In My Soul

My soul groans for peace, yet, I found none.
You have placed a heavy load upon my head,
The load I could neither bear nor carry.
If I keep my mouth shut,
My heart would almost explode.
My pains would increase beyond measure.
Yet, if I speak, I become a common enemy.
You have turned me into an enemy of Your children.
I have become like a man in the desert,
I have become like a hungry lion in the forest,
Hunting for food and water but found none.

When I surveyed the whole Earth,
I discovered the Earth had yielded nothing
But pains and hardship for me.
Pains and hardship have become the lot of my soul.

How long will You keep me in bondage?
You have caged me like a bird of prey.
You have bruised my bones beyond measure.
You have given me sleepless nights.
I have become a slave in the hands of men You created.
I have become a slave in Your own hand.
Yet, You’re a Righteous God.

Men who thought they have life waste their time,
Because only those who are favoured by You enjoy life.
You have taken me far away from every goodness of the Earth.
The land has become stone under my feet.
Everywhere I tread is like a parched land,
A land groaning for water but found none.
All the spirits of the Earth hunt for my life.

I knew the day I was born, everybody shouted for joy,
That a son is born in the family.
A son, not just a son, a king of all men is born.
Right from that very day,
My soul hasn’t found peace.
I have been a terror to myself.
I have become a jackal to everybody.
For Your sake, I forsook family and friends.
For Your sake, I became a wanderer.
For Your sake, I became an orphan.

Men love me whenever they see me,
Yet, their love becomes a terror in my soul.
They love me when my mouth is shut.
Immediately I open my mouth,
I become their common enemy.
Their spirits haunt me for evil and harm.

I am a desire of all women,
A man all women love to have.
Yet, deceit lies in their heart and eyes.
Physically, they show me love.
Spiritually, they’re my greatest enemy.
The heart of the young and old are full of wickedness.
Their heart is full of evil towards me all the time.
Among all the living beings You created,
They are thorns in my flesh.
The womb that born me started it.
It was my grave of darkness.
It was my grave of sorrow.
She sold my soul for peanut,
Because she loved the wages of Lucifer.
She was promoted in wickedness.
She will reap the reward of unrighteousness.
The land of the dead will reject her.
Her lot will be in a land of pains,
A land of tears and sorrow.

Jehovah the Righteous One,
How long will You keep me in Your trap?
How long will You keep me in Your cage?
Like a bird waiting to be slaughtered for dinner?
The anguish of my soul is too much for me to bear.
My pains are unbearable.
You have inflicted everlasting pains on me,
Pains that no man can heal.

You have captured all my beings.
You take total control of all that lives within me.
I have no breathing space for myself.
You have put a yoke on my neck,
And I cannot break loose.
You said You wants to make me an example,
An example for all Your children.
Yet, You call me son and say You’re my Father.
I have become an example of good and evil.

At Your own will You carry me on Your wings.
At Your own will You give me to lion to devour.
At Your own will You carry me to swim.
At Your own will You throw me into the water to drown.
At Your own will You carry me to fly.
At Your own will You throw me into the fire to be consumed.
I cannot reject Your bidding.
Your wish has become mine.
I have no control over myself,
Because You control every bit of me.
You have turned my heart into a city,
A city where men dwell,
A city where both good and evil dwells.
Yet, You own all of them.

Every goodness You have withheld from me.
You give me water in a teaspoon at Your will.
I know You have created me to suffer.
The suffering of all Your children
You have bestowed upon me.
You call me father,
Yet, I am not the one that gave birth to them.
You have made my heart a spring of water,
A spring of water for all Your children,
To drink at will whoever is thirsty.
Both the good and the bad drink from it.
No one cares about water,
Yet it satisfies the thirst of their soul.

Jehovah God of Heaven,
You have refused death to take me away.
To bury my memory from the face of the Earth.
To be free from pains and hardship.
You hang my soul between Heaven and Earth.
Heaven I cannot go,
And the Earth, I cannot run away from.

Jehovah my God,
You are righteous in all Your ways.
Nowhere I can fault You.
You created everything for Your own use.
You run the life of every soul as You wish.
You run Your own Kingdom as Your will commands.
At Your will, You shower righteousness on whoever You wish.
You also shower unrighteousness on whoever You wish.
You give life and take it at Your own will.
Yet, no one dares question Your judgement.

O Lord I pray Thee,
May Your peace heal the terror of my soul.
May my soul find rest in Your righteousness.
Let Your holiness engulfs my soul.
Until I depart from this Earth and I’m no more.

Radiant Ayowole Jesudairo
London 8th June 2017. 

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"Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him; and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon." Isaiah 55:6-7

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If a man breathes his last breath, his Spirit departs and continues his life elsewhere. Whatever life he lives here will determine his destination and how his next life will be.


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